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Sound Reinforcement - Forums for Live Sound Professionals - Your Displayed Name Must Be Your Real Full Name To Post In The Live Sound Forums => The Basement => Topic started by: g'bye, Dick Rees on August 26, 2014, 04:18:14 PM
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Time for a little levity...and brevity.
A little girl had a basket of puppies, and when asked their names replied, "Fido and spot and Liberace".
"why Liberace?"
" 'Cause he's the peein'-est!"
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a buddist goes to a hot dog cart and says "make me one with everything"
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a buddist goes to a hot dog cart and says "make me one with everything"
The vendor makes the dog and the customer pays the $5 tab with a $10 bill. He waits and finally asks for this change. The vendor replies "surely a Buddhist knows that change comes from within."
/groan
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My favorite all ages joke:
Q. How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
A. Three; his left ear, his right ear and his final front ear.
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My favorite "adult" joke:
My wife and I pronounce things differently. I say "potato" and she says "get the #%€¥ out of here"...
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What's the difference between a musician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four !!
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How does a musician become a millionaire?
Start with two million.
Sent from my SPH-L900 using Tapatalk
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Why are Helen Kellers legs yellow?
Her dog is blind too.
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Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand??
She sings with the other hand.
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When HK was bad, how did her mother punish her?
She moved the furniture.
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How did HK burn her fingers?
Trying to read a waffle iron.
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How does a musician become a millionaire?
Start with two million.
Sent from my SPH-L900 using Tapatalk
Judge rules: Foul.
You should re-do your "handle" and use your real, full name to participate. Just like it says on every page here.
No joke...
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Hmmmm... Good call (although it's not on every page when you're using Tapatalk :)). Will do when I get to a full browser tomorrow.
Sent from my SPH-L900 using Tapatalk
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What sound does an airplane make when it has a rough landing?
Boeing, boeing, boeing
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How was the whip invented?
A slave and his master were walking through the woods. The master spied an odd-looking stick on the ground. He picked it up and asked, "what's this?"
The slave replied, "beats me."
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How was the whip invented?
A slave and his master were walking through the woods. The master spied an odd-looking stick on the ground. He picked it up and asked, "what's this?"
The slave replied, "beats me."
Wow. Just wow. H.O.W. Forums, huh?
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Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?
It took the authorities two hours to get him out of the car.
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
Trying to hold onto a thought.
Guinness Book Of World Records
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most tacky, rude, crude, gross & disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, saying "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and asks, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"
The Lottery
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"John, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
Yup, that's a short joke....
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I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust"
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again"
"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs"
Steve.
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What's the difference between a musician drummer and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four !!
There, fixed it for you.
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I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust"
They do really suck, after all...
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There, fixed it for you.
How can you tell there's a drummer on your porch? The knocking gets slower and slower.
How can you tell there's a bodhran player on your porch? The knocking gets faster and faster.
How do you get rid of them? Pay them for the pizza...
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What does a stripper do with her a****le before going to work? She drops him off at band practice.
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What's the proper use of a viola? Kindling for the bagpipe bonfire.
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Take a man, give him 2 sticks and call him a drummer. If he fails, take away one stick and call him "Maestro".
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I'll be here all week folks! Back with the 11pm show after I bus your tables and do the dishes! Chef says "try our frog's legs, we can't sew them back on now!"
Badda bing, badda boom.
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Here is one I heard from guitarist Scotty Moore:
Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch?
A: It's when you throw a banjo into a dumpster and it hits an accordion.
Steve.
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2 Lampeys walked into a bar, A1 ducked under it.
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2 Lampeys walked into a bar, A1 ducked under it.
What's the difference between God and a lighting designer? God doesn't think he's a lighting designer.
Why do we see lightning then hear thunder? Even heaven lets the lighting crew load in first.
The difference between a terrorist and a German engineer? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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A production manager is walking along with his LX and A1 when they find a lamp which holds a genie, who decides to grant them each a wish.
The lighting guy wishes for a boat with a hot tub filled with women. Poof, off he goes.
The sound guy wishes to be on a beach in Tahiti. Poof, he vanishes.
Finally, the genie turns to the production manager. His wish? "I want my crew back here in 5 minutes!"
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Why do we see lightning then hear thunder?
Same reason some people appear perfectly bright... until you hear what they've got to say.
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Here is one I heard from guitarist Scotty Moore:
Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch?
A: It's when you throw a banjo into a dumpster and it hits an accordion.
But misses the bagpipes...
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
Key board player does it with his left hand.
Why do I call my small pet lizard Tiny?
Because he's my newt.
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Did you hear about the banjo player who had his car broken into with his instrument in it? He found his window broken and a second banjo in the back seat.
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What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Steve.
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What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Steve.
I dunno if I can steel myself enough to handle many more banjo jokes...
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
Key board player does it with his left hand.
Or...
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1, 5, 1, 5, 1, 5, 1, 5...
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How can you tell there's a drummer on your porch? The knocking gets slower and slower.
How can you tell there's a bodhran player on your porch? The knocking gets faster and faster.
The correct form:
How can you tell there's a bodhran player at your door? The knocking gets faster and faster, and they don't know when to come in...
Bazinga.
John
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What do you do with a drummer that can't keep a beat?
Take away one of his sticks and let him lead the band.
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They do really suck, after all...
http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/stage-and-theatre/10399097/Funniest-Edinburgh-Fringe-joke-sucks
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A muso dies & goes to heaven.
St Peter sees he's a decent sort of chap so opens the big gates to let him in.
Muso looks through and thinks he must be in the right place, There's Jimi Hendrix,
Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin & Bono playing & singing up a storm.
Muso: "Hang on, Pete, Bono's not dead yet"
St P: "Shhhhh - that's God, he likes to pretend he's Bono"
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A shure ua874 and a sennheiser a2003uhf got married. The wedding was boring but the reception was great.
Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk
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How can you tell if the drum riser is level? The drool comes out both sides of the drummer's mouth.
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How can you tell if the drum riser is level? The drool comes out both sides of the drummer's mouth.
I think this will top all for worst short joke.
Cowboy walks up to his horse and asks,
"why the long face ?"
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel half way down his pants.
The bartender sees him and yells out, "Hey, don't ya know there's a ship's wheel down your pants?"
The pirate replies, "Arrgghh, and she's driv'in me nuts!"
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I set my password to 'incorrect'. Now, whenever I type the wrong thing, the computer tells me "the password is incorrect."
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A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer, and a mop.
A grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender says hey, we gotta drink named after you. The grasshopper replies, you gotta drink named Bob?
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, Im looking for the man that shot my paw.
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I saw a machine at the airport that said, "Change:$1". So I put in a dollar.
Nothing changed...
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Boy and dad at the zoo.
Little boy see's elephants penis and says, "Dad, what's that? Mommy say's it nothing."
Dad turns to little boy and says, "That's because your mothers spoiled."
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Just seen my neighbour spraying Roundup all over his herb garden.
I said "What you up to Derek?"
He said "Oh just killing some thyme"
Steve.
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A woman called the police after her lover was unable to perform. She had him arrested for assault with a dead weapon.
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Neither Ole nor Lena had much English when they first arrived, so when shopping they would mime what they wanted in the store.
Lena bought some ham at the butcher shop by pointing to her hip. When she wanted sausages, she sent Ole...
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Boy and dad at the zoo.
Little boy see's elephants penis and says, "Dad, what's that? Mommy say's it nothing."
Dad turns to little boy and says, "That's because your mothers spoiled."
True story:
My 5-year-old niece and I were looking at the animals down at the farm. "Uncle Jon, why does the cow have a bag?" So I explained that that is where the milk is produced. Next question: "Uncle Jon, why does the bull have a bag?" "You'd better ask your father."
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Midget walks out of a bar without paying. Bartender says, "hey, buddy, pay up!" Midget says, "Put it on my tab. I'm a little short today."
(Well, the topic of this thread is short jokes, isn't it?)
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A penguins car breaks down in the desert so he stops at the first gas station, drops off the car to be fixed, then goes for an ice cream because he's hot. He orders a huge bowl of vanilla, eats it all and goes back for the car.
He walks into the garage and asks the mechanic what went wrong. The mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal."
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Why is lighting truss made of aluminum?
So it doesn't rust while we all wait for it to get off the deck.
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Why is lighting truss made of aluminum?
So it doesn't rust while we all wait for it to get off the deck.
OUCH! Gotta remember that one. Brilliant !
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There are 10 kinds of people in this world.
Those who get binary and those who don't.
One atom says to the other...
"I think I lost an electron"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive"
"Well you better keep an Ion that"
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What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Lazy Bitch...
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What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Lazy Bitch...
Why don't women have any brains?
They don't have a penis to put them in...
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Why don't women have any brains?
They don't have a penis to put them in...
;D
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With native Lake Superior game fish populations depleted by parasites and over-fishing, the DNR decided to try stocking new species and brought in the Coho salmon...but it couldn't take the cold water, so they crossed it with the native walleye.
This sort of worked, but the Co-wal hybrid was too small for their liking...so the crossed the hybrid with a muskie for size. The resulting double-hybrid Co-wal-skie was just what they wanted.
But it couldn't swim, so it drowned.
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel half way down his pants.
The bartender sees him and yells out, "Hey, don't ya know there's a ship's wheel down your pants?"
The pirate replies, "Arrgghh, and she's driv'in me nuts!"
Shortly after, another pirate walks into the same bar with a roll of paper towel balanced on his hat.
The bartender looks at him and quips, "I'm afraid to ask, but what are you doing?"
The pirate responds, "Yarrr, there be a Bounty on me head!"
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What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?
AYE MATEY!
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Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Ray Noorda were having lunch one day. (In case you're wondering, Ray Noorda was chairman of Novell -- remember Novell? -- which used to be a powerhouse in the network OS world.)
Naturally, they had to flaunt the technology of their respective companies. As they were eating, Bill's watch started flashing and vibrating. Bill excused himself, saying "just a moment, I have to check this email on my Outlook(R) watch."
A little bit later, Steve's ear started ringing. Steve said, "Excuse me, I must take this call" as he pulled on his earlobe.
Not long after Steve hung up, Ray let out a thunderous fart. "Quick, get me a piece of paper. I'm receiving a fax."
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Why don't women have any brains?
They don't have a penis to put them in...
In keeping with the theme ....
Next time she accuses you of thinking with your dick,
ask her to blow your mind!
(heard at a comedy club, I don't remember the comedian)
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You know your wife's loosing her figure when she puts on the bikini, goes into the water, and the top get's wet before the bottom.
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You know your wife's loosing her figure when she puts on the bikini, goes into the water, and the top get's wet before the bottom.
Thanks, Bob. Made my day.
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A man hears his wife in the kitchen crying and goes to find out what's wrong. He looks at the kitchen table and say's "What's wrong?" She says " I've got this jig saw puzzle of a tiger and can't figure out where to start." The man looks at his beautiful blonde wife and says " Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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I had my wife dye her hair blonde. Now I get to park in the handicapped spots.
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What's the difference between a violin and a cello? A cello burns longer.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
What do you call a drummer in a 3 piece suit? The defendant?
What did the guitar player get on his IQ test? Saliva.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
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Four friends, who haven't seen each other for 30 years go out for dinner.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire... He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
-Mark
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Q:What's grey and sticky?
A: A stick
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Q:What's grey and sticky?
A: A stick
Alternative question:
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
Steve.
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Alternative question:
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
Steve.
You call it Steve?
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Wanted: Two Shanghai based monitor engineers for a ukulele orchestra.
The show runs two nights.
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Wanted: Two Shanghai based monitor engineers for a ukulele orchestra.
The show runs two nights.
Somehow I'm having a problem conceptualizing Shanghai and ukulele in the same event. I guess the joke's on me... ;)
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Somehow I'm having a problem conceptualizing Shanghai and ukulele in the same event. I guess the joke's on me... ;)
Naaaa no joke on you Tim, its an ad in the Marketplace, you must have not seen it, but you do get the humor, same as I...
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Naaaa no joke on you Tim, its an ad in the Marketplace, you must have not seen it, but you do get the humor, same as I...
Yeah, I saw it last night. 'Tis a puzzlement. ;)
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Four friends, who haven't seen each other for 30 years go out for dinner.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire... He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
-Mark
AAAAAAAAAAAAA.....
Not short, not funny.
My thread, my call...
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Daughter walks up to her dad: "I invented a new word today."
Dad: "What's that?"
Daughter: "Plagiarism"
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I'd come up with something witty, but I'm at my wit's end.
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I'd come up with something witty, but I'm at my wit's end.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records....
Until I got kicked out of the library.
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Daughter walks up to her dad: "I invented a new word today."
Dad: "What's that?"
Daughter: "Plagiarism"
Another one makes it into the quarter-finals...
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Two old guy's Bob and Dick are sitting on a bench talking.
Bob say's to Dick, "Man I feel old."
Dick says, "Not me, I feel like a new born baby."
Bob looks at Dick and says "Really??"
Dick says, "Why not, I've got no teeth, no hair, and I just shit my pants."
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There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.
The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''.
She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?''
The doctor said ''$300''
She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??''
He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead, and $285 for the cat scan''
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Two old guy's Bob and Dick are sitting on a bench talking.
Bob say's to Dick, "Man I feel old."
Dick says, "Not me, I feel like a new born baby."
Bob looks at Dick and says "Really??"
Dick says, "Why not, I've got no teeth, no hair, and I just shit my pants. But the breast feeding offers some ameliaration. HEY, AMELIA! TIME FOR MY RATION!"
Edited for the heck of it...
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You're bad Dick.
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Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
A: Beef strokinoff.
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Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
A: Beef strokinoff.
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
A: Decalfinated
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Q: If your cow has it's lips ripped off in a bear trap what does it say?
A: Oooooo
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Q: If your dog has it's lips ripped off in a bear trap what does it say?
A: Ark
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Q: If your cat has it's lips ripped off in a bear trap what does it say?
A: Eoow
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Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.
Q: What do you call a spider with no legs?
A: A currant.
Steve.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
Ground pork.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Don't bother calling him 'cause he can't come anyway.
Sent from my SPH-L900 using Tapatalk
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The world's shortest joke…
"Pretentious?, moi?"
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What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
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The world's shortest short story:
Once upon a time he lived happily ever after.
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Two old guy's Bob and Dick are sitting on a bench talking.
Bob say's to Dick, "Man I feel old."
Dick says, "Not me, I feel like a new born baby."
Bob looks at Dick and says "Really??"
Dick says, "Why not, I've got no teeth, no hair, and I just shit my pants."
Hmmm, Bob & Dick... old guys... Hmmm...
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A waiter checks in on a table with 4 old Jewish guys and says, "Gentlemen, was anything all right?"
Mac
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What's the difference between an English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
The English actuary can tell you with a fair degree of accuracy how many men aged 35 - 45 will die in car accidents in the next fortnight.
The Sicilian actuary can give you their names.
Cheers,
Tim
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A waiter checks in on a table with 4 old Jewish guys and says, "Gentlemen, was anything all right?"
Mac
Now THAT'S funny :)
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An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineering student rode up on a new Harley.
"Wow, that's a great bike, when did you get it?"
"I was passing the cafeteria when a beautiful woman rode up and stopped me. She got off the bike, took off all her clothes and said I could have anything!"
"Great choice, the clothes wouldn't have fit."
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A waiter checks in on a table with 4 old Jewish guys and says, "Gentlemen, was anything all right?"
Corollary: I took my mother out to dinner and afterwards asked her how she liked it.
"The food was terrible and the portions were so small."
-F
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What does the hare lipped dog say?
"Mark, mark"
Favorite impression-Elvis with an attitude.
"Fuck'ya, fuck'ya very much"
Bennett Cerfs favorite joke, punch line only.
"With fronds like that, you don't need anemones"
I bet all you really smart people here could answer me this. If you play a violin you are called a violinist but if you play a fiddle.......
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Are you joking?
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
It doesn't matter...
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Here is one a friend told me back when I was in high school:
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of its legs is the same.
I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now!
Steve.
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Here is one a friend told me back when I was in high school:
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of its legs is the same.
I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now!
Steve.
No soap, radio (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_soap_radio).
Mac
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My mother sent me to my room.
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First man (walks into a bar): Lawyers are assholes!
Second man (seated at bar): I take offense at that.
First man: Why? Are you a lawyer?
Second man: No. I'm an asshole.
-F
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2 men walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducks!
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So a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister walk into a bar. Bartender looks up and sez, "What is this, some kinda joke?"
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A baby seal walks into a club.
Ba-Dum...Tshhh.
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A bartender walks into a church and asks, "How do I become a priest? Everyone's coming to me for confessions."
The priest answers, "Really? How do I become a bartender? No one comes to confession anymore."
(EDITED: I finally figured out the punch line.)
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A mathematician who lost two of fingers had to start working in octal.
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My friend Richard owns a package store. Everyone calls him licka Dick. (Boston accent here)
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I have another friend who lives west of me in Holden, MA. His name is Dick Hertz, from Holden.
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I have another friend who lives west of me in Holden, MA. His name is Dick Hertz, from Holden.
True story: I used to work with a sound guy who had the perfect name- Mike Tone.
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I have another friend who lives west of me in Holden, MA. His name is Dick Hertz, from Holden.
And he lives next door to the radio transmitter engineer R. F. Burns.
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I have another friend who lives west of me in Holden, MA. His name is Dick Hertz, from Holden.
True story: three of the teachers in my high school:
- Jack Head
- Gaye Wood
- Brad Pinkstaff
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, and three to complain it's gone electric.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
The version I heard was "three to sing about how good the old bulb was".
Steve.
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True story: three of the teachers in my high school:
- Jack Head
- Gaye Wood
- Brad Pinkstaff
I had a guidance councilor in HS whose name was Bernie Hoar. Every time we passed him in the hall someone would say "How's Ima."
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A bottle of Coors, Budweiser, and Guinness walk into a bar. The bartender asks what will you have? The bottle of Coors says, " I'll have the Silver Bullet, the taste if the high country, a Coors!" The bottle of Bud says, "I'll have the King of Beers, a Budweiser!" The bottle of Guinness says, "I'll have a Coke." The other two bottles ask, "Why a Coke?" The Guinness says, "Well, if you two aren't drinking, neither am I."
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I had a guidance councilor in HS whose name was Bernie Hoar. Every time we passed him in the hall someone would say "How's Ima."
A guidance councillor in my high school had the first name Penny. She married a guy with a last name of Hooker.
-Mark
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What do you get from a cash cow?
Moo-la.
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I slept terribly one night last week. Tossing, turning, just couldn't get comfortable.
Then finally it dawned on me.
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:D
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How many Freudian scholars does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to hold my dick, I mean my mother, I mean the ladder.
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A guidance councillor in my high school had the first name Penny. She married a guy with a last name of Hooker.
-Mark
I didn't mind high school too much, it was just the principle of it all.
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I had a guidance councilor in HS whose name was Bernie Hoar. Every time we passed him in the hall someone would say "How's Ima."
True story
Texas had a past governor named Jim Hogg who had a daughter named Ima.
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Wanted: Two Shanghai based monitor engineers for a ukulele orchestra.
The show runs two nights.
This actually happened! .. I ended up doing monitors from FOH. The orchestra is called the Wellington International Ukulele Orchestra. They are from New Zealand and touring East Coast of USA in Jan next year.
Gil
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Mikie
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Mikie
HA HA HA….This is too funny!!
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Someone is going to have to explain that one to me!
Steve.
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Someone is going to have to explain that one to me!
Steve.
Theriouthly?
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Yeth!
Steve.
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Yeth!
Steve.
;D
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I still don't get it!
Steve.
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Is that supposed to be Mel Blanc???
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The past, current, and future walked into a bar. It was a tense situation.
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Someone is going to have to explain that one to me!
I still don't get it!
The face under the KISS makeup is Mike Tyson, former heavyweight boxing champion, who has a high squeaky voice and a lisp.
Mac
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The face under the KISS makeup is Mike Tyson, former heavyweight boxing champion, who has a high squeaky voice and a lisp.
Mac
Now explain why that is funny... ;D
JR
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I wouldn't have recognised him without the makeup!
Seems to be a common thing with boxers. Our Chris Eubank also has a squeaky voice and a lisp!
Steve.
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Sorry Steve, when you said "Yeth" I thought you were pulling my leg and you really did get the joke - my bad.
You probably didn't get the same exposure over there to Mike Tyson in the late 1990's.
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If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
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We upped our income tax bracket.
Up yours.
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What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is being tickled with a feather; kinky is being tickled with the whole chicken.
Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk
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What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is being tickled with a feather; kinky is being tickled with the whole chicken.
Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk
And perverse is tickling the chicken.
JR
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And perverse is tickling the chicken.
JR
Or how the poet got paid...
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Or how the poet got paid...
The PHC Joke Show was last month...
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The minute you know you are now the family's tech guy
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True story:
While I was setting up at a festival the LD (who was readressing his fixtures) called from the stage:
LD "whats 52 and 17?"
A1 "20 years buddy"
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Opps
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A Minnesota motorist crossed into Texas on I-35 and was pulled over by a Ranger.
"Got any guns in your car, sir?"
"No, officer."
"well, there's a MacDonalds drive through at the next exit. Order the happy meal and you get a free one."
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A Minnesota motorist crossed into Texas on I-35 and was pulled over by a Ranger.
"Got any guns in your car, sir?"
"No, officer."
"well, there's a MacDonalds drive through at the next exit. Order the happy meal and you get a free one."
Yep, get a Big Mac and a snowbird eliminator. ;D
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ??
He sold his soul to Santa.
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes.
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i just read through 16 pages to see if my joke would be a repeat... the jokes on me
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When you buy someone a ticket to a comedy show, the joke's on you.
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What Does A sound guy do when he wins a million in the lottery?
Keeps doing sound till the money runs out
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You can tuna fish, but you can't teach it to sing.
(Works better when said out loud.)
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When your rig fails during your gig, it can be quite dis-concert-ing.
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A one liner from British comedian, Bob Monkhouse:
"People laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian... They're not laughing now!"
Steve.
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What did Jimmy Hoffa tell the union stagehands?
Don't do anything till I get back.
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What did Jimmy Hoffa tell the union stagehands?
Don't do anything till I get back.
Back in the 1980s I was doing lighting at one of our local theatres (all local council owned). The previous week there had been a small fire at one of their other theatres.
One afternoon I went with the theatre's caretaker to pick up some lights in his van. His parting message to everyone else in the theatre was "If there's a fire, keep it going until I get back".
Steve.
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Back in the 1980s I was doing lighting at one of our local theatres (all local council owned). The previous week there had been a small fire at one of their other theatres.
One afternoon I went with the theatre's caretaker to pick up some lights in his van. His parting message to everyone else in the theatre was "If there's a fire, keep it going until I get back"
Stevett.
From Laurel and Hardy:
"I'll hold the nail and when I nod my head, hit it with the hammer."
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For sale: ARVN M-16s. Never used and only dropped once.
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For sale: ARVN M-16s. Never used and only dropped once.
That is a rehash of old WWII jokes mostly about Italian or French military. We're all on the same side now...
Another joke from back then was "for sale: used military tanks, one speed forward 4 speeds reverse."
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Then there was the old classic about the (enter the country you want to belittle) who was going to send astronauts up to the sun. They were going to send them up at night so they wouldn't burn up.
JR
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JR...
That reminds me of the two neighboring countries (fill in the blanks) where an imbecile from country A emigrated to country B and raised the aggregate IQ of both countries by doing so.
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JR...
That reminds me of the two neighboring countries (fill in the blanks) where an imbecile from country A emigrated to country B and raised the aggregate IQ of both countries by doing so.
Like when I moved to MS... :-)
JR
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Like when I moved to MS... :-)
JR
From.....?
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Like when I moved to MS... :-)
JR
Connecticut thanks you. ;-)
Mac
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That is a rehash of old WWII jokes mostly about Italian or French military. We're all on the same side now...
Another joke from back then was "for sale: used military tanks, one speed forward 4 speeds reverse."
-----
Then there was the old classic about the (enter the country you want to belittle) who was going to send astronauts up to the sun. They were going to send them up at night so they wouldn't burn up.
JR
True, but in the case of the ARVN it was true more than once.
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Connecticut thanks you. ;-)
Mac
In the interest of accuracy I moved from GA to MS but it's a joke and I make no actual inference about the IQ of MS, or GA, or CT, or myself, while I have a few doubts about CT (where I lived for 15 years)... 8)
JR
PS: I also lived in NJ, KS, NY, MA, and visited many more...
PPS: I'm thinking of moving to Nawlins. Warmer than MS, and better food. 8)
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Gratefully acknowledging a complete steal from JJJ:
Q: What is 100' long with 22 teeth?
A: The front row of a Skynyrd concert.
Mac
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Gratefully acknowledging a complete steal from JJJ:
Q: What is 100' long with 22 teeth?
A: The front row of a Skynyrd concert.
Mac
If it wasn't for Skynyrd fans it would be called a "teeth brush" rather than a tooth brush.
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Gratefully acknowledging a complete steal from JJJ:
Q: What is 100' long with 22 teeth?
A: The front row of a Skynyrd concert.
Mac
Or the front row at a Dolly Parton concert.
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What's got 22 legs and 3 teeth?
The front row at a banjo picking workshop.
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Guy goes to the proctologist for a prostate exam. The doctor says "Take off you pants, pull down your underwear, and bend over".
The patient says "Where should I put my pants?"
The doctor says "Over there, next to mine."
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Guy goes to the proctologist for a prostate exam. The doctor says "Take off you pants, pull down your underwear, and bend over".
The patient says "Where should I put my pants?"
The doctor says "Over there, next to mine."
Ouch!!!
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Sheep can hear zippers a mile away...
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2 things that fix everything
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And then there's this classic (which I was first introduced to by process documentation consultant):
(http://ProblemSolving.jpg)
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Test results have come in
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I know necroposts are frowned upon here but I had to post this one.
What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain.
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Why is peter pan green? Cause if someone hit your peter with a pan you'd be green too....
And because I don't do short........ for your enjoyment please read the following:
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage.
But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jump start the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!"
This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:
1.Occupied.
2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3.Poo on seat.
4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on
seat.
5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base
of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall ..1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou
and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful shitter. I wasn't happy
about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet
sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and
then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a
cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it
needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The
inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs.
Shitter about the shitty day he had.
I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily
modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come;
and
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.
It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly
made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could
hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could
swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots,
and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of
stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous
force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had
actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to
the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation
made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible...
throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love
them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and
retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's ass
at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was
winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by
string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly
quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A
final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks
plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I
heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was
thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the
damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this,
but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could
handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded
with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the
bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the
bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate.
I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the bathroom.
And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
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And because I don't do short........ for your enjoyment please read the following:
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. ..................................................
And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
This reminds me of a TRUE story that happened about 15 years ago when we used to live in San Diego. It happened to Chris.
Chris was (and still is) a sales rep during the week and travels 40-50k per year by car and over the years he has had to become quite good at seeking out clean decent restrooms on those occasions where nature calls and keeps calling......
So one of his favorite 'rest rooms' was Torrey Pines Golf course in La Jolla and one time he was close by and HAD to go.
This is the story he told me afterwards:
" I was absolutely busting for a c**p and was so relieved to be within 10 minutes of the golf course. I was already late for an appointment so time was of the essence.
As usual I pulled in and parked and hurriedly walked to the bathroom which appeared empty. I quickly walked into a stall and sat down. Just at the defining moment, I heard someone come in but I couldn't hold on and let go. Obviously I must have had a bit of an upset stomach because it was demonic to say the least.
I was so embarrassed and although I really wanted to wait till I was sure the guy had left before coming out of the stall, I had to get going as time was getting on. By the time I walked over to the sink, the guy was still there washing his hands. I stood a few feet away from him trying not to make eye contact in the mirror.
He then spoke, " Feel better there champ?". I shyly looked over and there was Barry Manilow looking at me with a grin on his face....... I just replied, " Yep - I sure do thanks"".
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I shyly looked over and there was Barry Manilow looking at me with a grin on his face....... I just replied, " Yep - I sure do thanks"".
Hooking up with Barry Manilow in the country club bathroom. That could be a joke by itself. :o
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It would appear the the posts I was poking fun at have DISappeared.
Wow. Just wow. H.O.W. Forums, huh?
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Well all the cool people have slaves in the bible LOL
Is that from Yankee Stadium? Cuz it came out of left field.
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I saw where The Oakland Raiders may move to Las Vegas.
They could change their name to The Las Vaders
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Two frogs are sitting on lillypads in a Chicago pond
One croaks
The other hides the gun and looks around for cameras
I used to date a girl with a wooden leg,,but we broke it off
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A-flat miner. (minor)
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I used to date a girl with a wooden leg,,but we broke it off
Her name was Peg, her favorite band was Steely Dan, and she pulled for the Crimson Tide.
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How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
Put a chart in front of him
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five, one to change the bulb and four to stand there with their arms folded saying, "yeah, I could do that"
How many female vocalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, she holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around her
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How many female vocalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, she holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around her
Hey !! ;)
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Her name was Peg, her favorite band was Steely Dan, and she pulled for the Crimson Tide.
:) :) :) :) :)