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Sound Reinforcement - Forums for Live Sound Professionals - Your Displayed Name Must Be Your Real Full Name To Post In The Live Sound Forums => The Basement => Topic started by: Bob Leonard on February 19, 2013, 09:26:28 PM

Title: How do you......
Post by: Bob Leonard on February 19, 2013, 09:26:28 PM
Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
 
A: Pay for the pizza.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Ivan Beaver on February 19, 2013, 09:31:32 PM
Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
 
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: How do you get better gas milege  on your bass players car?

A: Remove the Dominos sign.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Tim McCulloch on February 19, 2013, 11:10:24 PM
Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
 
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q:  How do you know there is a drummer on your porch?
A:  The knocking gets slower and slower.

Q:  How do you know there is a bodhran player on your porch?
A:  The knocking get faster and faster.

Q:  How do you get rid of them?
A:  Pay them for the pizza.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Tim McCulloch on February 19, 2013, 11:23:52 PM
Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
 
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q:  What does a stripper do with her a**hole before work?

A:  Drops him off at band practice.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Dave Bigelow on February 19, 2013, 11:39:07 PM
Q: How do you know the drum riser is level?

A: The drool comes out both sides of his mouth.


Q: How do you know a singer is at your door?

A: they knock out of time and never know when to comes in


Q: How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, he/she holds it in the ait and waits for the world to revolve around them.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Jim Turner on February 20, 2013, 01:27:23 AM
Q: Why do drummers have more brain cells than horses?

A: So they don't poop during the parade.

Q: why did the guitarist leave a pair of drum sticks on his dash board?

 A: So he could park in the handicap spot.
Title: How do you......
Post by: Steve Anderson on February 20, 2013, 05:26:28 AM
Drummers get a bad rap with all those cruel drummer jokes… gotta share the love a bit.

Q. Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

A. It took 2 hours to get the drummer out
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Jeff Bankston on February 20, 2013, 06:02:00 AM
Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
 
A: Pay for the pizza.
I'm a drummer , whats your address ? order me a pizza hut large pan special with the 3 toppings. sausage, bell peper , pineapple. i want a large coke or pepsi. now about your address.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Bob Leonard on February 20, 2013, 07:42:29 AM
Q: Why did the drummer stop using his GPS.

A: Because he kept getting lost.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Bob Leonard on February 20, 2013, 07:46:43 AM
Q: Why did the drummer throw his sticks into the crowd.

A: They sounded better hitting the floor.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Kemper Watson on February 20, 2013, 08:34:52 AM
Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
 
A: Pay for the pizza.

What's the difference in a drummer and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of 4
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Bradford "BJ" James on February 20, 2013, 09:29:06 AM
another old standard:

q. What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?

a. A drummer.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Tim Halligan on February 20, 2013, 10:39:32 AM
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

 ;D

Cheers,
Tim
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: John Roberts {JR} on February 20, 2013, 10:54:11 AM
That's cold. Some of my best customers are drummers.... 

JR
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Tim McCulloch on February 20, 2013, 11:00:37 AM
That's cold. Some of my best customers are drummers.... 

JR

Take a man and give him 2 sticks.  Call him a drummer.

If he screws that up, take away one stick and call him Maestro.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Jeff Bankston on February 20, 2013, 04:57:55 PM
as of 43 years ago i am now a geetar holder. i aint no drummer ! WHERES MY PIZZA ?!
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Bob Leonard on February 20, 2013, 06:19:34 PM
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"

An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."

Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better
Neil Peart could've done it.

Q: Why didn't the Little Drummer Boy get into heaven?
A: Because he woke up the baby, for Christ's sake!

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality.

Q: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

Q: Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
A: Me neither.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Jeff Bankston on February 21, 2013, 01:22:29 AM
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"

An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."

Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better
Neil Peart could've done it.

Q: Why didn't the Little Drummer Boy get into heaven?
A: Because he woke up the baby, for Christ's sake!

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality.

Q: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

Q: Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
A: Me neither.
an unauthorized biography of me !
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Nicolas Poisson on February 21, 2013, 04:56:01 AM
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a bass player ?
A: about 2 bars at the end of the song.


A guy enters a shop.
- Hi, I am searching for a 5000W bass amp.
The seller answers:
- mmmh, you are a drummer, aren't you ?
- how did you guess?
- Well, this is a travel agency here.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Nils Erickson on February 21, 2013, 05:02:41 AM
Can't let the drummers have all the fun, moving on to bassists.

Q: What do you throw into the water to your drowning bass player?
A: His amp.

Q:  How do you keep someone from stealing your electric guitar?
A:  Put it in a bass case.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Ivan Beaver on February 21, 2013, 06:41:06 AM
Can't let the drummers have all the fun, moving on to bassists.

Q: What do you throw into the water to your drowning bass player?
A: His amp.


BOTH of his SVT's
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Ryan McLeod on February 21, 2013, 10:42:38 PM
BOTH of his SVT's

....zing! That's entertainment right there.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: brian maddox on February 21, 2013, 11:37:08 PM
BOTH of his SVT's

Actually, throwing in the SVTs is a pretty good way to get him into the water in the first place....
Title: How do you......
Post by: Dave Neale on February 24, 2013, 08:28:02 PM
A woman walks up to the guitar player after a gig.

She says. "You are amazing, the way you play is so sexy, I want you to take me backstage and strip me down and do anything you want to me!"

Guitar player replies, "did you catch the first set or second set?"
Title: How do you......
Post by: Dave Neale on February 24, 2013, 08:39:59 PM
A band is heading to a gig in the van and gets into a three way accident with a Mercedes and a BMW. All parties involved are killed.

They all wake up at the pearly gates facing St. Peter.

St. Peter looks at the Mercedes driver and asks, "what good works have you done to gain entry to Heaven?"

"We'll, in life I was a doctor and once a year I would spend three weeks in Haiti tending to the poor and sick"

St. Peter replies, "very well, you may enter" and the gates swing open and allow the doctor to pass into heaven.

St. Peter looks at the BMW driver and asks, "what good works have you done to gain entry to Heaven?"

"In life I was a lawyer and every Saturday I would go down to legal aid and help the poor with legal issues."

St. Peter replies, "very well, you may enter" and the gates swing open and allow the doctor to pass into heaven.

NOW St. Peter looks at the van and, skeptically, asks, " what have YOU GUYS done to deserve entry into heaven!?"

"Well, we played a benefit once".

St. Peter replies, "I'm in a good mood today, I'm going to let you in"

The band is very relieved and starts
Pushing their gear towards the gates of heaven.

"HOLD ON", yells St. Peter, "you gotta push your stuff around back, through the kitchen, up the stairs..."

Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Tim Halligan on February 25, 2013, 06:48:16 AM
Ladies...take heed...

 :P

Cheers,
Tim
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Tim Halligan on February 25, 2013, 06:50:40 AM
Meanwhile...back to drummers...


Why are orchestral intermissions only 20 minutes long?

So thy don't have to retrain the drummers.

Cheers,
Tim
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Tim Woodworth on February 26, 2013, 05:26:02 PM
The tour manager goes down to the hotel desk and ask the receptionist if she could call his lead singers room because they did not answer the door and they are late . The receptionists tells him that there was a terrible accident last night and that the lead singer was killed! The tour manager says wow...and walks away.

A few minutes later the tour manager comes back up to the receptionist and asks if she can call the lead singers room because they are late. She said...sir I already told you...there was a terrible accident last night and your singer died. The tour manager says wow and walks away.

A few minutes later the tour manager comes back up to the receptionist and asks if she can call the lead singers room because they are late....and she yells at the tour manager.....SIR YOUR LEAD SINGER DIED LAST NIGHT!!

The tour manager said...yeah I know...I just like hearing it.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Nicolas Poisson on February 27, 2013, 04:55:07 AM
5 minutes before the beginning of the show, the stage manager notices a fly-case remaining at stage front. He asks the soundman, which answers it is none of his hardware. He then asks the lighting tech, which answers the same. All three guys come close to the fly-case and open it. At this moment, the genius of live show appears and says:
- Hello guys, each one of you may ask for one wish.

The soundman immediately says:
- I wana go on a heavenly island with plenty of women.
Whoop... the soundman disappears.

The light tech follows up:
- I want the same thing but, above all, on the farthest existing island of the sound guy.
Whoop... the light technician disappears.

The genius turns toward the stage manager:
- What’s your wish?
- I want you to bring back the other two assholes 'cause the show starts in less than 5 minutes.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Tim Halligan on February 27, 2013, 10:52:42 AM
A young teenage girl comes home from school one day...

"Mum...I was talking with some of the girls at school today, and they told me you can get pregnant from anal sex. Is that true?"

"Of course it is darling" replied her mother. "Where do you think drummers come from?"

 :P

Cheers,
Tim

PS. I've heard this told about drummers, conductors, tenors, and because I work in television - cameramen and directors.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Jeff Bankston on February 27, 2013, 09:42:31 PM
A young teenage girl comes home from school one day...

"Mum...I was talking with some of the girls at school today, and they told me you can get pregnant from anal sex. Is that true?"

"Of course it is darling" replied her mother. "Where do you think drummers come from?"

 :P

Cheers,
Tim

PS. I've heard this told about drummers, conductors, tenors, and because I work in television - cameramen and directors.
LOL !

what does a stripper do with her asshole ? drives him to band rehersal.

i'm Tim? the drummer
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: David Morison on February 28, 2013, 02:26:51 PM
What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?

One of them will mature and make money someday.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Tim Halligan on February 28, 2013, 03:31:30 PM
What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?

One of them will mature and make money someday.

A young boy says to his mother "When I grow up I want to be a guitarist"

His mother replies "Don't be silly son...you can't do both."

 :o

Cheers,
Tim
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Mark Oakley on February 28, 2013, 05:23:55 PM
Q.: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A.: None; the piano player can do it with his left hand.

-Mark
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Jeff Carter on February 28, 2013, 06:16:09 PM
Bass solo!

E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Michael Brennan on February 28, 2013, 07:26:45 PM
Is bad when drums stop
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: W. Mark Hellinger on February 28, 2013, 09:25:08 PM
Bass solo!

E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E
A mother decides to sign her son up for music lessons.  The son settled on learning to play bass.  The first lesson, the instructor showed the student son how to play the E string, and instructed the student to practice playing the E string nice and steady: E E E E...  Second lesson was how to play the A string, and instructed the student to practice playing the A string nice and steady:  A A A A...  At the third lesson the student demonstrated he could play either the E or A string nice and steady... satisfied with the student's progress the instructor showed him his first bass line, being A to E, back to A, then E:  A E A E... and instructed the student to practice that till he got it nice and steady.
The time came for the 4th lesson and the student didn't show up... 10... 15 minutes went by past the scheduled lesson time... the instructor got concerned and called the student's mother to see what's up?  Mom said:  "Oh... I'm sorry, I guess you didn't hear... my son got a job... he's out on tour with a top 40 country band."
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Jeff Carter on February 28, 2013, 10:01:17 PM
Is bad when drums stop
Used to do some country Gospel gigs (bass player, don't judge me for that). Vocals were a mixed quartet but we'd usually do an a capella male quartet number or two and drag the drummer out from behind the kit to sing the lead.

As he was making his way to the front of the stage I would often tell that "drums stop, very bad" joke, with the punch line, "Now the drummer sings!"
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Nicolas Poisson on March 01, 2013, 07:25:57 AM
Q: What happens when you play blues music backwards ?
A: Your wife comes back, your dog resurrects, and you get out of jail.

Q: What is the difference between God and a sound engineer?
A: God does not consider himself as a sound engineer.
Title: Re: How do you......
Post by: Chris Hindle on March 01, 2013, 08:29:08 AM
A: God does not consider himself as a sound engineer.
... and your point is ?  ;D ;D