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Sound Reinforcement - Forums for Live Sound Professionals - Your Displayed Name Must Be Your Real Full Name To Post In The Live Sound Forums => The Basement => Topic started by: Bob Leonard on February 19, 2013, 09:26:28 PM
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Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
A: Pay for the pizza.
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Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: How do you get better gas milege on your bass players car?
A: Remove the Dominos sign.
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Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: How do you know there is a drummer on your porch?
A: The knocking gets slower and slower.
Q: How do you know there is a bodhran player on your porch?
A: The knocking get faster and faster.
Q: How do you get rid of them?
A: Pay them for the pizza.
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Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: What does a stripper do with her a**hole before work?
A: Drops him off at band practice.
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Q: How do you know the drum riser is level?
A: The drool comes out both sides of his mouth.
Q: How do you know a singer is at your door?
A: they knock out of time and never know when to comes in
Q: How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, he/she holds it in the ait and waits for the world to revolve around them.
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Q: Why do drummers have more brain cells than horses?
A: So they don't poop during the parade.
Q: why did the guitarist leave a pair of drum sticks on his dash board?
A: So he could park in the handicap spot.
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Drummers get a bad rap with all those cruel drummer jokes… gotta share the love a bit.
Q. Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?
A. It took 2 hours to get the drummer out
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Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
A: Pay for the pizza.
I'm a drummer , whats your address ? order me a pizza hut large pan special with the 3 toppings. sausage, bell peper , pineapple. i want a large coke or pepsi. now about your address.
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Q: Why did the drummer stop using his GPS.
A: Because he kept getting lost.
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Q: Why did the drummer throw his sticks into the crowd.
A: They sounded better hitting the floor.
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Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front steps??
A: Pay for the pizza.
What's the difference in a drummer and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of 4
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another old standard:
q. What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?
a. A drummer.
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What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.
;D
Cheers,
Tim
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That's cold. Some of my best customers are drummers....
JR
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That's cold. Some of my best customers are drummers....
JR
Take a man and give him 2 sticks. Call him a drummer.
If he screws that up, take away one stick and call him Maestro.
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as of 43 years ago i am now a geetar holder. i aint no drummer ! WHERES MY PIZZA ?!
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Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"
An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."
Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better
Neil Peart could've done it.
Q: Why didn't the Little Drummer Boy get into heaven?
A: Because he woke up the baby, for Christ's sake!
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality.
Q: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
Q: Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
A: Me neither.
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Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"
An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."
Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better
Neil Peart could've done it.
Q: Why didn't the Little Drummer Boy get into heaven?
A: Because he woke up the baby, for Christ's sake!
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality.
Q: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
Q: Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
A: Me neither.
an unauthorized biography of me !
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Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a bass player ?
A: about 2 bars at the end of the song.
A guy enters a shop.
- Hi, I am searching for a 5000W bass amp.
The seller answers:
- mmmh, you are a drummer, aren't you ?
- how did you guess?
- Well, this is a travel agency here.
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Can't let the drummers have all the fun, moving on to bassists.
Q: What do you throw into the water to your drowning bass player?
A: His amp.
Q: How do you keep someone from stealing your electric guitar?
A: Put it in a bass case.
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Can't let the drummers have all the fun, moving on to bassists.
Q: What do you throw into the water to your drowning bass player?
A: His amp.
BOTH of his SVT's
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BOTH of his SVT's
....zing! That's entertainment right there.
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BOTH of his SVT's
Actually, throwing in the SVTs is a pretty good way to get him into the water in the first place....
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A woman walks up to the guitar player after a gig.
She says. "You are amazing, the way you play is so sexy, I want you to take me backstage and strip me down and do anything you want to me!"
Guitar player replies, "did you catch the first set or second set?"
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A band is heading to a gig in the van and gets into a three way accident with a Mercedes and a BMW. All parties involved are killed.
They all wake up at the pearly gates facing St. Peter.
St. Peter looks at the Mercedes driver and asks, "what good works have you done to gain entry to Heaven?"
"We'll, in life I was a doctor and once a year I would spend three weeks in Haiti tending to the poor and sick"
St. Peter replies, "very well, you may enter" and the gates swing open and allow the doctor to pass into heaven.
St. Peter looks at the BMW driver and asks, "what good works have you done to gain entry to Heaven?"
"In life I was a lawyer and every Saturday I would go down to legal aid and help the poor with legal issues."
St. Peter replies, "very well, you may enter" and the gates swing open and allow the doctor to pass into heaven.
NOW St. Peter looks at the van and, skeptically, asks, " what have YOU GUYS done to deserve entry into heaven!?"
"Well, we played a benefit once".
St. Peter replies, "I'm in a good mood today, I'm going to let you in"
The band is very relieved and starts
Pushing their gear towards the gates of heaven.
"HOLD ON", yells St. Peter, "you gotta push your stuff around back, through the kitchen, up the stairs..."
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Ladies...take heed...
:P
Cheers,
Tim
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Meanwhile...back to drummers...
Why are orchestral intermissions only 20 minutes long?
So thy don't have to retrain the drummers.
Cheers,
Tim
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The tour manager goes down to the hotel desk and ask the receptionist if she could call his lead singers room because they did not answer the door and they are late . The receptionists tells him that there was a terrible accident last night and that the lead singer was killed! The tour manager says wow...and walks away.
A few minutes later the tour manager comes back up to the receptionist and asks if she can call the lead singers room because they are late. She said...sir I already told you...there was a terrible accident last night and your singer died. The tour manager says wow and walks away.
A few minutes later the tour manager comes back up to the receptionist and asks if she can call the lead singers room because they are late....and she yells at the tour manager.....SIR YOUR LEAD SINGER DIED LAST NIGHT!!
The tour manager said...yeah I know...I just like hearing it.
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5 minutes before the beginning of the show, the stage manager notices a fly-case remaining at stage front. He asks the soundman, which answers it is none of his hardware. He then asks the lighting tech, which answers the same. All three guys come close to the fly-case and open it. At this moment, the genius of live show appears and says:
- Hello guys, each one of you may ask for one wish.
The soundman immediately says:
- I wana go on a heavenly island with plenty of women.
Whoop... the soundman disappears.
The light tech follows up:
- I want the same thing but, above all, on the farthest existing island of the sound guy.
Whoop... the light technician disappears.
The genius turns toward the stage manager:
- What’s your wish?
- I want you to bring back the other two assholes 'cause the show starts in less than 5 minutes.
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A young teenage girl comes home from school one day...
"Mum...I was talking with some of the girls at school today, and they told me you can get pregnant from anal sex. Is that true?"
"Of course it is darling" replied her mother. "Where do you think drummers come from?"
:P
Cheers,
Tim
PS. I've heard this told about drummers, conductors, tenors, and because I work in television - cameramen and directors.
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A young teenage girl comes home from school one day...
"Mum...I was talking with some of the girls at school today, and they told me you can get pregnant from anal sex. Is that true?"
"Of course it is darling" replied her mother. "Where do you think drummers come from?"
:P
Cheers,
Tim
PS. I've heard this told about drummers, conductors, tenors, and because I work in television - cameramen and directors.
LOL !
what does a stripper do with her asshole ? drives him to band rehersal.
i'm Tim? the drummer
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What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One of them will mature and make money someday.
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What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One of them will mature and make money someday.
A young boy says to his mother "When I grow up I want to be a guitarist"
His mother replies "Don't be silly son...you can't do both."
:o
Cheers,
Tim
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Q.: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.: None; the piano player can do it with his left hand.
-Mark
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Bass solo!
E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E
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Is bad when drums stop
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Bass solo!
E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E
A mother decides to sign her son up for music lessons. The son settled on learning to play bass. The first lesson, the instructor showed the student son how to play the E string, and instructed the student to practice playing the E string nice and steady: E E E E... Second lesson was how to play the A string, and instructed the student to practice playing the A string nice and steady: A A A A... At the third lesson the student demonstrated he could play either the E or A string nice and steady... satisfied with the student's progress the instructor showed him his first bass line, being A to E, back to A, then E: A E A E... and instructed the student to practice that till he got it nice and steady.
The time came for the 4th lesson and the student didn't show up... 10... 15 minutes went by past the scheduled lesson time... the instructor got concerned and called the student's mother to see what's up? Mom said: "Oh... I'm sorry, I guess you didn't hear... my son got a job... he's out on tour with a top 40 country band."
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Is bad when drums stop
Used to do some country Gospel gigs (bass player, don't judge me for that). Vocals were a mixed quartet but we'd usually do an a capella male quartet number or two and drag the drummer out from behind the kit to sing the lead.
As he was making his way to the front of the stage I would often tell that "drums stop, very bad" joke, with the punch line, "Now the drummer sings!"
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Q: What happens when you play blues music backwards ?
A: Your wife comes back, your dog resurrects, and you get out of jail.
Q: What is the difference between God and a sound engineer?
A: God does not consider himself as a sound engineer.
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A: God does not consider himself as a sound engineer.
... and your point is ? ;D ;D