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[Dave Scarlett]

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh shit.”
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Effective sleep aid if used on steel at chin level.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

12. 8' DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

13. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT and STUD EXTRACTOR:  A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn’t use anyway.

15. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells were used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

16. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO and neatly rounds off their heads.
CENTRE PUNCH: Used to make holes in thin sheet metal and the work bench at the same time.
PAD SANDER: Used for easing the edges of the rectangular gouges.
 
RANDOM ORBIT SANDER: Used for removing the marks left by the PAD SANDER, usually on any surface perpendicular to the original gouge. May also be used to make semicircular gouges in wood.
DETAIL SANDER: Makes triangular gouges, generally in blind corners.
BISCUIT JOINER: Tool used to misalign wood in a very consistent manner which can then be sanded heavily (See BELT SANDER).
CHISEL: Multi use tool - good for making deep cuts in the hand.
CORDLESS DRILL/POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screw heads at high speed.
ROUTER: Used to darken wood by friction and make smoke. For this latter purpose, it replaces the incense used by primitive woodworking cultures who wished to influence the woodworking deities. When used with a ROUTER TABLE this tool can be used to make
 varying profiles using a single bit and a single depth setting.
 
TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made with it will then
 agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.
CHAIN HOIST: Used for lifting heavy objects when all your friends have declared you insane and deserted you. Also used to test the strength of thin roof beams.
DRILL BITS: These handy devices come in many sizes, each size has a specific use:

·         Really tiny: used to relieve the pressure of blood blisters under fingernails (see entry for hammer)

·         Small: Best used for reaming out ear wax.

·         Medium: Used for temporarily filling holes you didn't want.

·         Slightly bigger than medium: perfect for drilling out locks after you forget the house keys.

·         Large: The best tool for wearing down bench grinder wheels.
SCRIBER: A multi-use tool for: A) prizing out really big splinters, B) bursting pimples on your rear as you lean against the work bench. C) Indicating where you meant to cut a line after you cut in the wrong place.
TAP: Used for permanently filling holes you didn't want.

30. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large, stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. It is especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
GRINDER: A small light-weight hand grinder useful in grinding many different types of materials as well as eyebrows when it catches the dangling drawstrings of a “hoodie” sweater.
PIPE WRENCH: A multi-tool that is handy for turning on and off valves, coaxing, hammering, prying, and aligning anything into its rightful place. (Also useful for tightening and loosening threaded pipe). A great tool to relieve a sore back, after dropping on foot, squashing fingers, or slipping off pipe and crashing into wall with arm.
NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish nail. Principally used for decoration.
FLOOR DRAIN: Used to permanently store nuts, bolts, washers, screws and other small parts that you didn't have room for in that coffee can you had under the hood.
CLAMPS: These come in two sizes: too small and loaned to an in-law.
MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.
JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight but non-parallel.
ENGINEERED DRAWINGS: The project drawings created by a team of highly qualified engineers that are given to foremen who pass them on to the workers with such comments as, “I don’t know what they’re thinking and I’ve tried to tell’em it won’t work, so we’ll do it their way and at the end of the month, we’ll just pick up the whole fuckin’ unit and turn it 90 degrees!”
COME-A-LONGS: A ratchet-action chain and hook device useful to correctly fit-up stubborn piping and support components that are, “a little off”, (see ENGINEERED DRAWINGS).
TWO-PART EPOXY: a super strong, fast bonding adhesive used to weld fingers together or to other body parts especially following a visit to the port-a-potty. 
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, “DAMN-IT!” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[Tom Roche]

A bunch of stuff...

Definations?  More like defamations.

[Bob Charest]

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine ... etc.

Dave, those are hilarious! I've used several of those "tools" yesterday and today.

Best regards,
Bob Charest

PS: I'm going to print those and put them up on the shop wall!

[Jeff Bankston]

definitions

[Russ Davis]

Sure, I'll play...

FLASHLIGHT: Cylindrical container used for storing dead batteries.

Anyone else?  We need some for our sound "tools".  The Sonic Maximizer ones probably pretty much write themselves...

[Frank Koenig]

BACKHOE: A large, complex piece of equipment that excels at precisely locating any type of buried pipe, cable, or other expensive object.

--Frank

[Frank Koenig]

SOLDER SUCKER: Handy electronic technician's aid used to remove unwanted circuit traces from printed circuit assemblies.

I'm having too much fun. -F

[Chris Hindle]

HAMMER: SM-58
WOOD MAGNET: SM-57

[Tom Bourke]

At yesterday's gig:
Guy is pounding a fast fold clip into place with the handle of his knife.  Other guy says "Here, use a real hammer." and hands him a 12" adjustable wrench.  I said "Oh, you mean a CrescentHammer!"

[frank kayser]

Harley tool kit: Vice grips and a 10# no-bounce hammer.
Advanced version includes flat-blade screwdriver.

[Jonathan Johnson]

...and hands him a 12" adjustable wrench...

Every good technician will have both metric and SAE adjustable wrenches.

[Spenser Hamilton]

At yesterday's gig:
Guy is pounding a fast fold clip into place with the handle of his knife.  Other guy says "Here, use a real hammer." and hands him a 12" adjustable wrench.  I said "Oh, you mean a CrescentHammer!"

Prior to going full time into audio production, I spent some time in Northern BC and Alberta working on natural gas wells.

Now back in Ontario I sometimes have people ask why I own a couple very expensive crescent wrenches, the answer being 'the cheap ones break when you use them as a hammer'.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jeff Bankston]

Every good technician will have both metric and SAE adjustable wrenches.

just for the record i came up with the metric and sae crescent wrench joke over 20 years ago. i bet you dont have any metric channel locks or pliers !

[Jonathan Johnson]

i bet you dont have any metric channel locks or pliers !

You're right, mine are all graduated in English units.

[Mike Diack]

Oscilloscope : Device for playing Tetris on.
(I'm not kidding....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmFPQJRkb5s)

[Russ Davis]

MONITOR SPEAKER (AKA "Wedge"): A versatile piece of furniture primarily used as a foot rest which, when combined with the facial contortion known as "guitar face", enables musicians to create impressively clichéd solos.  Useful as a paperweight for set lists and forgotten lyrics.  Capable of absorbing spewed beverages and vomit.  Due to its angled top, makes a poor surface for placing audience members' drinks (see: "Sub Cabinet" and "FOH Mixer").  Can also reproduce audio.

[Stephen Swaffer]

Every good technician will have both metric and SAE adjustable wrenches.

Years ago I worked in a maintenance department where the employer supplied tools.  When one man left the department (his back was always hurting from pushing his toolbox around the plant) the man who inherited his toolbox took out over 40 crescent wrenches -must have been too much work to adjust them 

[Mark Cadwallader]

Every good technician will have both metric and SAE adjustable wrenches.

At the risk of being a smart-ass, there are metric and SAE spec adjustable wrenches. The difference is in the pitch of the lead screw for the adjustment.  Pull out your thread gages and check....  Mark C.

[ProSoundWeb Community]